"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- Everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield
"My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses. Drinks straight from the bottle!" - Henny Youngman
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike nearly everything , money comes in handy." - Groucho Marx
"Those are my principles , and if you don't like them....well , I have others." - Groucho Marx
"I'd rather be a failure at something I love , than a success at something I hate." - George Burns
"It only takes one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is , I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns
"Frisbeetariansim is the belief that when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin
"If a pig loses it's voice , is it disgruntled?" - George Carlin
"What does cheese say when it gets it's picture taken?" - George Carlin
"Curiosity killed the cat , but for awhile I was a suspect." - Steven Wright
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." - Steven Wright
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot Cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Steven Wright