Some Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh.

"If God Dropped acid, would he see people?" - Steven Wright

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'." - Steven Wright

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." - Steven Wright

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs." - Mitch Hedberg

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." - Mitch Hedberg

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who's the real hero?" - Mitch Hedberg

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I worked in a pet store and people asked me how big I would get." - Rodney Dangerfield

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife." - Rodney Dangerfield

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." - George Carlin

"The main reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one who's answers I accept." - George Carlin

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." - George Carlin